With Friends Like These
by LilahKat
Summary: When House wants to join a new pain control trial, an old friend returns in an official capacity and makes everyone around her sit up and listen to her less than glowing review of their conduct, and forces them to consider their own actions.
1. The Shrink Shows

DISCLAIMER: I don't own House - never have. Never will. No money here. Don't sue.

AN: Okay, I got distracted away from my other story by this idea. I own Del and in my mind she's played by Stephanie Romanov (Lilah Morgan from Angel). I think she's believable as Stacy's baby sister.

This story was prompted from the fact that the more I watch House - the more I'm convinced House has some pretty compelling reasons to remain the ass that he is. I really don't like Wilson. That being said - everyone will likely be bashed - and I have no idea if anyone is going to end up with anyone else. Or who will end up with whom. Though it's fairly likely that it will happen.

* * *

"What do you want House?" It wasn't an unusual question. Nor was this an unusual circumstance. In fact there were times she wondered why she wasn't more paranoid than she was – especially given that more often than not Lisa Cuddy found herself being stalked like prey by the diagnostician. Of course, what was good for the goose was good for the gander as well, so she spent plenty of time stalking him. Mainly to get him to complete his assigned clinic hours, or to prevent him from carrying out one of his more insane treatment plans.

Or at least that was what she told herself.

She'd been expecting a smart ass comment about her ass or her breasts, so what came next surprised her. "Your help." It was delivered in a more serious tone then she expected, but the fact that he wasn't playing on her guilt – 'yet' the more cynical part of her mind provided – caught her attention.

"If you're looking to get out of clinic…" She said warningly as she turned to face him, her eyes narrowing.

"No clinic…" House rolled his eyes. "Not everything revolves around the sniffling noses and idiots down there." He paused. "There's a new pain relief trial starting and I want in…"

Her brow furrowed. "Where? When?" She certainly wouldn't stand in his way but she needed to be prepared for the questions the board would send her way. This was going to be looked at as more catering to House.

"As soon as I'm accepted. You'll probably be asked to administer it here – it's being conducted remotely – as long as you or someone here agrees to be my Doctor for it." He paused for a second. "They'd prefer you – can you imagine – I mean, are you even really a Doctor any more?"

Cuddy rolled her eyes. "You know for someone who's asking for help…" She shook her head. "Fine, yes, I'll be your Doctor." In actuality she was touched he asked her and not Wilson, Foreman or one of the others.

"That's not all…" House stopped her before she could turn away. "There's another part that I really need your help for… They're sending a shrink." The distaste showed in his face. "They're not just shrinking me – they want to interview my friends…"

"Friend in your case…" Lisa smirked.

"Fungus is more like it…" House retorted. "… but they're also interviewing…"

"His colleagues, friends… Lovers." The southern drawl echoed through the hall as both House and Cuddy slowly turned to face the newcomer. She winked as she moved towards them. "Now since I know what my sister thinks of you, I'll try hard not to hold it against you, Greg."

"Del…" A seldom seen, honest grin took up residence on House's face. "Del Hudson… You're the shrink? I thought you were working for the FBI…"

"Quit when they started calling me Spooky – I'm so much hotter than Duchovney. Besides which profiling isn't much fun, if I want to get into a sociopath's head… Well here I am." Her green eyes sparkled mischievously as she focused on Lisa and leaned in, stage whispering conspiratorially to House. "Now set me up on a date with the gorgeous brunette and you're in..."

Lisa laughed out loud and pulled the other woman into a tight hug. "Just what I needed Stacy's evil baby sister – did you go see your sister?" She ignored the scowl on House's face.

"Now why'd you have to go and bring her up again?" Del feigned a pout as she pulled away from Cuddy. "I was enjoying that hug you know…"

"More action than Cuddles has had in months…" House's scowl changed abruptly to a grin. "I've been personally making sure no one gets their hands on her colossal ass but you…"

"More likely keeping it for yourself…" Del answered his grin with a smirk of her own. "Don't try to fool me, Mister." She slid her hands along her power suit to smooth any wrinkles from the hugs and ran her fingers through her auburn hair, making certain it fell just so.

"Now why would I want it, when I could watch the live hot girl on girl action instead – no more TiVoing L-Word – Del is back in town. Save Wilson and me ring side seats." House waggled his brows. "Now when you're done with Cuddles, I want to introduce you to Cameron – she's your type – dyed her hair 'hooker honey blonde' when she came back. Maybe you could have a threesome…"

"No sugar, that's your type…" Del winked at Cuddy. "And yes, I went and had dinner with big sis and Marky Mark." A shudder ran through her body. "She always had good taste in men until Mark." Glaring at House, she poked him in the chest. "I blame you."

"Now I know you're insane… You think House was a sign of good taste?" Cuddy said only half teasingly.

"If he was a woman, I'd sleep with him." Del contributed with a smirk after looking him over critically. "Hell, I might consider sleeping with him anyway… Things have been a little dry as far as getting some and getting gone lately."

"Hmmm… Decent ass – not as monumental as the she-devil's but it'll do… Like the fun bags…" House eyed her just as critically. "But no, you probably have more man meat than Wilson."

"Well that goes without saying…" The line couldn't have been delivered any straighter. "Just give me permission to interview a few people, and I'll see if I can't get the old cripple off the juice."

"Actually she's just interested in getting me hooked on their juice – so that I have a new dealer. You and Wilson will have to find yourselves some other addicts to supply, Cuddles." House rattled his pill bottle in his pocket.

"Well, that sounds great…" Cuddy rolled her eyes and sarcasm dripped from every word. "I can't make anyone interview with you – but I think most of the people you need to, would do pretty much anything so that he'd be less annoying. Talk to my assistant James and he'll set up a time for us to chat."

"I think I'd need psychotropic drugs to make him less annoying…" Dell waggled her brows. "But go out on a date with me, Lee and I'll see what I can do."

"Tempting…" Lisa had already turned and started walking away, so she smirked over her shoulder at the pair she was leaving behind. "… But your line about getting some and getting gone isn't really luring me across the fence, Del. You two behave."

"I think she's the one who needs psychotropic drugs…" House tapped his cane mischievously on the floor. "… Obviously delusional. So… Strip joint?"

"Sounds like a plan…" Del didn't take her eyes away from Cuddy's swaying hips. "Know any hookers that …"

"Nah… Normally Cuddy'll just put out." House quipped with just the perfect amount of snark. "But for you, we'll call some of my favorite numbers."


	2. In any other circumstance

Disclaimer: Don't own it. Never will. No money. Don't sue.

AN: Shorter than the last one. Sort of a bridging chapter to get to the meat of the story.

* * *

In any other circumstance, an employer probably would have insisted that another psychologist come out to do the requisite interviews given her previous relationship to the prospective patient and Del was completely aware of that. Of course, that didn't take into account her reputation. With that in play, her employers were confident that no amount of drinking, whoring or any other extra curricular activity would be enough to bribe Del into rubber stamping Dr. Gregory House's admission to their program.

Even if they wanted her to.

Everyone was aware there would be a fair amount of prestige granted – given their projected outcome was complete pain relief – to have Greg House as a successful patient in the program. When that motivation was surreptitiously exposed to her, her reaction was a very slow measured lift of her brow, followed by a 'I understand completely what you're telling me, but given I don't want to have to embarrass you – I'm going to pretend like I didn't understand that' cock of her head.

Del, unlike House, had enough self control to play by the rules of social mores, even if she normally liked to discard them for her own twisted pleasure. At least when it came to her employers and protecting her reputation.

Twisted pleasure that had for the last three nights included drinking to extreme excess, watching buxom women strip and gyrate in their laps, numerous prank phone calls on Cuddy, Wilson and most pleasurably her sister and her husband, eating things bound to shorten their lifespan, and every other juvenile pastime they could fit in.

In fact, they were having so much fun together that they didn't bother with the whoring.

There was also a marked decrease in House's vicodin consumption. Something that she noted in the part of her mind that never stopped analyzing things even as she continued to be House's partner in crime.

House for his part, by his snide comments to her through their weekend of drunken debauchery, realized that none of their fun was winning him any special consideration. He liked that about Del. She was not a doormat that allowed him to bulldoze over her – the way Cuddy did.

Del also didn't particularly care if he did something particularly nasty to himself – the way Wilson and Cameron did. She'd save him if she could, but she wouldn't waste the time and effort to give him a lecture or that ever so sad, disappointed look that they did that wouldn't make a difference to what he did anyway.

It was a relief that one person actually realized that his choices in life were none of their damned business.

She also didn't look down her nose at him and say how she didn't want to become him – all the while acting in many ways the same as he did – like Foreman did. Not that he actually cared, but it made her infinitely less annoying.

She also wasn't a rat – not a literal rat like the dearly departed Steve McQueen – but a figurative one like Chase. Again, less annoying.

If she hadn't been strictly gay, he probably would have hooked up with her. At least for the sex. In fact she admitted – while they were completely wasted - she'd thought about it, just to piss her ever so perfect older sister off. She'd decided not to because it would have made her parents right.

That made her interesting, in spite of being less annoying – she had a whole well of deep dark secrets, ones that kept her out of relationships, ones that made her drink to excess, ones that made her detest an older sister that she had once worshiped, ones that made a gorgeous woman fight her way to the top of her field – when she could have gotten by. He had a weakness for those – not that he'd ever admit it out loud – though if you actually looked at the women he surrounded himself with (and kept at arms length) it would have been obvious. It really was too bad that she was gay and not bi – she would have made outstanding lobby art.

He also knew, without a doubt, that while he was trying to figure out the puzzle that was Del Hudson – every time those brilliant green eyes fixed on him, or her head cocked to one side as she listened, that she was trying to figure out the puzzle that was him.

Surprisingly enough that didn't annoy him as much as he thought it should.

So when the weekend of drunken debauchery ended and the two of them arrived at the Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital at relatively the same time, House nodded his head to Del – silently wishing her luck on her puzzle solving, while he made a b-line for the elevator barely evading Cuddy, as the door closed just as the hospital administrator reached it. Leaving Cuddy fuming and Del licking her lips.

"What do I have to do to make you mad at me?" Del purred as she brushed past Cuddy on her way to find Alison Cameron in the ER.


	3. Duckling Swap

Disclaimer: Don't own it. Never did. Never will. No money (I own horses). Don't sue (they aren't worth much except eating me out of house and home).

AN: I've decided that I may not have the various characters rehash their actions completely in the story. Instead, I am going to have them interact with Del, then possibly some snippets of some of the events. You won't get the full effect until Del decides to call them all on the carpet.

Yes, eventually I'll get to more information on the pain control trial - not yet though. I'm focusing more on the character interactions.

Without further ado... The next chapter.

* * *

"You know I don't work for House any longer right?" Cameron eyed the woman leaning calmly against the ER bed suspiciously.

"Absolutely, Dr. Cameron…" Del smiled winningly. It was that southern charm of hers that made her a hot commodity at the bureau. Too many of their 'squints' had a bedside manner that matched House's. "It's just you and your other fellows lasted three years without quitting or being fired. That's something of an accomplishment with Greg House as your boss."

"Or a sign of insanity…" Cameron muttered and shook her head. It was the sarcasm that made Del smile. It seemed that her theory that House was like a virus, and no one was immune panned out with the reportedly sugar wouldn't melt in her mouth sweet Dr. Cameron. It really was too bad she'd never met her prior to her Fellowship. It would have been a fascinating case study. "You really seem familiar to me…"

"Well, I've heard that you're not fond of my sister, so I wasn't going to say anything." Del shrugged. "It's not like I'm that fond of her either." She preferred to have all her cards on the table anyway.

"Stacy Warner…" Cameron scowled just slightly before pushing away that reaction and adopting a neutral face. "I don't really have feelings about her one way or the other."

"That's good." Del cataloged the lie for what it was. "She's really not an issue here anyway. What I need from you is just to tell me honestly about your time with Dr. House… From when you started your Fellowship, to anything that's happened recently. We don't have to go over it with a fine tooth comb just the incidents that stand out in your mind – and since I know Dr. House fairly well, it'll be suspicious and really won't help things if you sugar coat events."

"I wouldn't…" Cameron started then sighed and glared at the other woman. "So I suppose everyone – including House has told you I have a huge crush on him. I don't you know. I'm over him."

"That's not what I was getting at – you just seem like the type that if you can't say anything nice, you won't say anything at all." Del smiled – she had heard all about that from House, mainly in the form of bitching and moaning about it. It hadn't elicited much sympathy from her – oh poor House, another piece of hot ass falling all over herself to hook up with him. "Working with House has probably helped that a little bit…" She held two fingers a tiny ways apart. "… But you want House to get the help he needs so he isn't in pain any more – so you're going to try to make certain nothing you say will get in the way of that." She saw Cameron considering her words. "I want House to get the help he needs too, but you and whatever you have to tell me about House isn't going to make that decision for me. I'm a forensic psychologist as a specialty. That doesn't mean I can't shrink a head I can talk to without a problem – but they have to be willing to talk." She paused as she saw the rueful grin cross Cameron's face. "I've actually found a lot of people with chronic pain become a lot like House to varying degrees. House is unique in that he was like this to a certain extent before the infarction. That aside, the reason why this study hired me was my background in forensic psychology – they realized that the very people they wanted to help were going to be absolutely bears to determine if they were actually suitable for the program – they knew whoever took on the job…"

"Had to be able to solve the puzzle of who they were without the cooperation of the patient." Cameron grinned and shook her head as put everything together. "This should be interesting…"

"That's what I thought…" Del's smile became an answering grin to Cameron's. "So think of me as your bartender, your best girlfriend or your priest if that's the way you go – but I need you to vent every little nasty thing House has done to you in the last three years."

"This is going to take a while – Dr. Cuddy told me to take whatever time I needed if I was alright with being interviewed, but I really should make certain the ER is covered." Cameron looked out towards the mostly full beds in the ward and cringed.

"I have some pull…" Del waggled her brows. "Who would you rather have down here? Thirteen, Kutner or Taub?"

Cameron's brow arched – this she had to see. "Thirteen…"

"Done…" Del reached down for her PDA and pressed the speed dial for House as she brought her Blackberry to her ear.

"What?" House growled into the phone as he paced in front of his blackboard.

"I'm in the midst of planning a hot foursome for an exhibition for your birthday and while I know you'd love to see Stacy go down on Cuddy for old times sake, with me in the middle there might be some legalities I don't want to face. My FBI influence only goes so far after I kneed my last partner in the balls, so your old female duckling and I were wondering if we could borrow your new female duckling. Try outs you know…" Del watched as Cameron's jaw had slowly dropped during her diatribe and she only smiled broadly and shrugged.

"You know I'm going to hold you to that…" House said as he shook off the slightly glazed look in his eyes that he'd developed during Del's fantasy.

"And here I thought the new meds we were going to give you would be enough." Del boosted herself up onto the empty bed she'd been leaning against and kicked her legs.

"Thirteen, you're needed in ER – you're covering for Cameron." House pulled his phone away from his mouth as he told the other duckling. Thirteen rolled her eyes, then moved to the door of the conference room and made her way down the hallway knowing better than to bother arguing. "You know this stuff better be primo… You're stealing my eye candy."

Del didn't bother responding; instead she just put her phone away and watched as Cameron shook her head. "I don't even know what to say to you…"

"I'm evil – and I know how to work with House." Del hopped off the bed, the amused look never leaving her face.

"This frightens me… Are you two siblings separated at birth?" Cameron cocked her head to the side, trying to get a better feel for the woman in front of her.

"Would seem likely wouldn't it?" Del started to move towards the ER doors. "Come on, I see lunch and many, many alcoholic drinks in our future." Cutting Cameron off before she could protest she added. "On me… Besides which you have cover, and Cuddy will let you, we're working off of the guilt she feels for her part in what happened to House's leg."

"That's just not right…" Cameron shook her head.

"No it's not, but it is what it is – and we need to take advantage of the breaks we're given." Del said firmly. "If you want to go change into something other than your scrubs do it now. You're probably going to need the booze."

For a moment Cameron looked undecided, then turned and headed towards the locker room to get changed.


	4. Lick Gulp Suck

Disclaimer: Don't own it. Will never own it. Just playing. No money. Don't sue.

AN: All flashbacks are in _italics._ Please don't hate me. House will get help. Del practices 'Swamp' psychology apparently - in other words she needs a still in her office. I decided to just touch on the three important interviews - not everyone.

* * *

As Del looked down at her scribbled notes for the past week of interviews, she knew two things.

a) She had the worst headache on the eastern seaboard and

b) She was going to share said headache with those who had caused it.

She told herself it was her neutral position, her training and a hundred other lies to justify why she could see so clearly what was actually going on, when no one else – not even the supposedly sweet, concerned Cameron – seemed to be able to.

Even as she focused on the paper in front of her, she knew this was going to get complicated and messy and would likely end with House's cane shoved up her ass. Still as she typed up her notes, and flashes of the multitude of conversations she'd had over the week came back to her, she knew there was no other way.

"_That is so typically House…" Del rolled her eyes as she sipped her margarita and made a few more notations in her notebook. "So you blackmailed him into your first date…"_

"_Which he was a complete ass at. I thought he was taking it seriously because of the corsage but…" Cameron pushed her now empty glass away from her and Del nodded to the bartender to bring her another. "And I'm not just talking about normal House lunacy. Full out attack mode."_

_Del suppressed the urge to say something and just nodded encouragingly._

"_The next time we went out, it wasn't a date. At least according to him." She picked up the refilled margarita and swirled the straw around the glass before taking a long pull from it. "Actually it wasn't a date. It was House showing Wilson he didn't need him, when Wilson ditched him for dinner with your sister." She couldn't quite keep the ire out of her voice. "I only think he took me, because Cuddy wouldn't be caught dead in her Donna Karen at a Monster Truck Rally."_

_Del couldn't help chuckling at that. "I think she would have found a pair of Levi's and a t-shirt, but I get your point... So is that the end of your dating history with House?"_

"_Pretty much… Pathetic isn't it." Cameron shook her head. "He hasn't asked me since the time he asked me for drinks after the Ketamine treatment."_

_That was intriguing. "Before or after it stopped working."_

"_Before…" Cameron looked up and her brow furrowed at the look on Del's face. "It was after Stacy's return and her leaving again plus there was so much going on."_

"_You don't need to justify what happened to me." Del reassured the other woman, even while a small inkling was forming in the back of her mind. "Now let's get to what was happening before you stopped working for him."_

Setting her laptop aside, Del rose and moved to the kitchenette in her suite, intent on a glass of water. Good intentions were set aside when she saw the half full bottle of scotch that she'd shared with Wilson. While most people wondered why he put up with House, Del was of the other opinion. For all of his faults, House was charismatic – even when he was being a caustic ass. It was why he got away with it. Wilson… The man made her blood boil. Pouring herself a glass, she allowed herself to reanalyze memories of what had happened that night.

"_Only House could piss someone off enough that they'd come to the hospital loaded for bear in order to shoot him." Del shook her head. "Okay, I take that back – I might be able to do it, if I really tried – but most of the time..." She played up her Southern accent. "My southern belle manners could charm birds out of trees."_

"_For your patients at least…" Wilson chuckled, knowing damned well that Del Hudson was the grown up version of what he'd expected kids from Stacy and House would be had they ever. Charming enough to draw you in, then caustic and vicious enough to take you down when you least expected it. "Anyway, after that Cuddy authorized the Ketamine treatment – which 'reset' his nerve endings in the leg. For a short time, House was completely pain free."_

"_Right, and running, working out… Sounds like he tried to make the most of it." Del watched Wilson's expression as she spoke._

"_I guess he did – he was off the Vicodin. It didn't take long though when he came back to work before his leg started giving him trouble again." Wilson sipped at his whiskey._

"_Didn't that seem odd to you?" Del couldn't keep the curiosity at bay._

_Wilson pursed his lips then shook his head. "It was a long shot at best…" It was obvious to the psychologist that he'd made no connections whatsoever._

"_Right, so what happened then?"_

"_House had this patient – actually he took on two – one that was a puzzle and one that wasn't." Wilson set his glass aside and leaned back in the chair. "The one that was his typical sort of patient he worked through fairly quickly, so then he started to focus on the one that he was just supposed to be providing pain relief for. He came up with the crazy idea, with no medical proof, that he was suffering from Addison's disease and that was the reason why he was wheelchair bound."_

"_Your point is?" Del's brow arched up towards her hairline. "Ninety percent of the time House has no medical proof for his diagnosis. He doesn't run people through tests to give him the answers like most Doctor's do – he only runs them to give him clues about what's really going on. That's why he catches things that no one else does. He's a genius – that's why Cuddy puts up with his crap and the hospital pays for his insane legal bills. Was he right?"_

"_When is House not right – except for the first half dozen diagnoses before he gets it right." Wilson deadpanned – though there was an underlying current of sarcasm and passive aggressive hostility._

"_So House was right about the Addison's – what was the outcome?" Del's gaze narrowed._

"_Cuddy wouldn't give him permission to give the man the cortisol shot – we only had a small opening to make House realize that he needed limits…" Wilson poured himself another drink._

_Del took a deep breath, she didn't need it spelled out for her. She kept her voice and face absolutely neutral and swore to herself that she wouldn't rip the bastard sitting in front of her to shreds. "So let me fill in the blanks here, Cuddy who actually has faith in House, carried out House's treatment and it worked, but you convinced her not to tell him."_

"_How did you know?" Wilson wasn't entirely shocked that the woman in front of him was that perceptive, but he thought it was equally plausible that Cuddy would keep it from House._

"_It's obvious." Del said tiredly. "Lisa wouldn't be dishonest with him like that without someone else encouraging her. Not after what happened with the infarction."_

Del moved back to the couch and pulled the laptop into her lap, purposefully putting off writing what she knew she had to by reading her notes once more; looking for anything that would convince her she was wrong.

_Lining up the row of tequila shots, Del eyed Cuddy as the brunette kicked off her heels and tucked her feet beneath her on the couch. "So what in the hell possessed you to listen to Wilson?"_

_Cuddy to her credit winced. "Because he knows House…"_

"_Better than you?" Del asked her softly, taking pity on the other woman. It was impossible for her to be impartial with Lisa Cuddy. The crush she had on the woman was as bad as the one Cameron nursed for House; she just refused to let it be as annoying or troublesome to the other Doctor._

"_I…I don't know." Lisa sighed and sprinkled the salt onto the heel of her hand._

_Lick._

_Gulp._

_Suck._

"_I do…" Del confiscated the salt and copied Cuddy's action._

_Lick._

_Gulp._

_Suck._

"_You get House better than you want to admit. You know he's not going to change." Del toyed with the rind of her lime as she held Cuddy's gaze. "And every time you do something that goes against your innate understanding of him, you do something you regret."_

_Again to Lisa's credit she didn't argue, instead she reached for the salt once more._

_Lick._

_Gulp._

_Suck._

_Lick._

_Gulp._

_Suck._

Del shook her head, not really wanting to move away from the memories of Lisa Cuddy's lips and tongue. Especially with what she had to write now.

Her fingers danced over the keyboard as she finished her report.

'Unfortunately, it is my feeling at this time that Dr. Gregory House does not pass the psychological criteria for inclusion in the pain control study.'

* * *

AN2: Don't hurt me. Del is underhanded enough that she'll fix things - have faith - the woman is evil. Also next chapter you get to see her go postal on everyone (not just these three).


	5. Differential Diagnosis Part One

Disclaimer: Not mine. Never was. Never will be. No money. Don't sue.

AN: Okay, well Del is a long winded, evil woman - looks like this is going to be in at least two parts - possibly three. Depends how long it takes for her to take a strip off of Cameron, Cuddy and Wilson.

* * *

There were murmurs through the classroom as everyone assembled. Unlike what the classroom was used for earlier in the year, even though some of those assembled were the same, this was a smaller more intimate gathering. The tension in the room wasn't any less than before though, as they all wondered why Del had called this meeting.

With curiosity at a high, they were too busy paying attention to each other to notice as Del entered silently, purposefully a few moments late. No one noticed as she reached up, pressing perfectly manicured nails to the chalk board and dragging them down it, unleashing the banshee like screech that had everyone looking up and shouting, covering their ears and glaring at the figure that stood in front of the class.

"I'd be happier if I could say it was a pleasure to see you all, but then I'd be lying through my teeth." Del said coolly.

Cuddy frowned. "What are you getting at Del?" She was more than a little annoyed at this and while she was willing to put up with a lot – her tolerance for embarrassment higher than most people in her position, that didn't mean it was unlimited.

"I thought it would be counter productive to do this in private – especially since being torn a new asshole is so much more effective when you're embarrassed at the same time." The psychologist said as she picked up the cane she'd brought along. "Plus I stole House's cane so there's less chance of him finding us… Anyone have any ideas why he's still using this?"

"Because he had part of his thigh muscle removed and he now lives in constant pain?" Wilson said incredulously, the same tone he used when he thought he was giving an obvious answer to House.

Del made an annoying buzzer sound, and grinned nastily at Wilson. "Wrong, but thank you for playing – we'll have a lovely parting gift for you, like maybe this cane shoved up your ass."

Cuddy felt her stomach sink, as she struggled to take a deep breath. Del wouldn't say something like that without reason. The woman was like House in many ways except her puzzle of choice was always psychological. "What are you saying, Del?"

Her expression softened a little as she saw the distress in Cuddy's eyes. "He never let you give him that PET scan did he?"

"No…" The word came out a whisper.

She nodded slowly, and took a deep breath. "Well, we're going to have a little class in how each of you contributed to proving to House's subconscious why he couldn't allow himself to not be a cripple."

"It's not psychosomatic…" Wilson insisted, not wanting to hear what the psychologist had to say. "You don't have any proof…"

"NO…" Del snarled. "I don't… And I can't get proof because House would never allow it unless I dose him – and he doesn't deserve the abuse, but I know what I see and you are going to sit there and you are going to listen, because if you're so damned innocent in all of this you should have nothing to fear from what I'm going to say, should you Wilson."

Looking at Wilson, Cuddy had to choke back a comment since it was most often him that pushed the theory that House's pain was influenced by him repressing his emotions – how was this any different really.

Kutner raised his hand slowly. "Uhm… We weren't here then – so…"

"No, you guys have really very little to do with any of this… Frankly you don't matter that much to him." She made eye contact with Thirteen, Kutner, Taub and Amber in turn. "But I wanted you here to make their humiliation worse, so you know the sort of people you're working with…" Her eyes moved to Amber. "Or in some cases who you're sleeping with."

"I don't think it's appropriate…" Foreman spoke up.

"No…" Del frowned. "Huh, well what if we play differential diagnosis?" She picked up a piece of chalk. "Would it be appropriate then…"

"Del…" Cuddy said quietly, pleadingly.

"No, I'm sorry Lisa… It is what it is, and I want them to hear, because if we're going to fix this, they're going to have to be in on it." Del said firmly, her green eyes holding the other woman's gaze.

For a moment, it looked as though Lisa was going to insist they leave, but then her eyes turned downward and she nodded slowly.

"Alright… Symptoms…" Del said as she moved to the blackboard and began to write.

Sanctimonious.

Manipulative.

Back stabbing.

Inconsistent.

Fickle.

Disloyal.

Jealousy.

Treacherous.

Faithless.

Double-crossing.

Hypocrisy.

"Those aren't really symptoms…" Kutner said slowly, not certain of what he was saying.

"You could be describing House…" Chase said with a smirk.

"In that case, we'd have to let him off the hook for how he acts because he'd be a product of his environment." Del tapped her chalk against the palm of her hand then added another 'symptom'.

Smarmy.

"Actually, they are symptoms…" Another voice joined the fray. "At least they are if you're my little sister." Stacy sighed, and then walked down the stairs carrying two cups of coffee. "You got me out of bed at six am for this?"

"Well you are the root of all evil, Stace…" Del smirked. "And you came… I could write so many case studies on you alone."

"You can't leave me a message like you did and not expect me to come – I still care." Stacy snarled at her little sister.

"Which is why I called you." Del smirk turned to a slight sympathetic smile. Her sister was proof positive – it didn't matter what you did, no matter what he did, once Greg House had his claws into you – you never quite shook him. She wondered if some of the animosity that Cameron had for Stacy was motivated by the fact that she could see a reflection of her future self there. "Sit… You might have to sit on Wilson when I get to him… Cuddy probably won't be enough to hold him down."

"Don't I get a symptom?" Stacy settled down beside the Dean of Medicine, and set a cup of coffee in front of her.

"If I tried to write all of your symptoms down, Stace – I'd need at least three more blackboards, and my wrist would get sorer than that time we were having an orgasm race." Del tapped the metal chalk holder against her lips then added another symptom.

'Delilah'

"That's your name sweetie…" Stacy took another sip of her coffee.

"I know, but it sums up what you are to Greg so perfectly – don't you think?" Del challenged.

For a moment there was silence, and then she raised her cup. "Touché."

"So differential… Go..." Del did a perfect impression of Greg. Only she was met with silence.

"Come on people… I'll give points for owning up." Del looked around the room, and then held up her hand when Stacy went to open her mouth. "That would be cheating – you and I have had this conversation about you before."

"I was going to do one of theirs…" Stacy nodded towards the others then shrugged and leaned back, apparently she was more audience or accomplice than one of the actual victims of her sister's tirade. She couldn't say that she was unhappy about that either.

It was Amber that spoke up first. "Inconsistent could be Foreman, right?"

"Good try, Cutthroat Bitch… I'll give you a point for effort." She wrote 'bitch' at the top of the board, drew a line under it and marked down a point. "Though I was going with Hypocrisy… Cuddy is more inconsistent."

The three new ducklings grinned at Amber, who grinned back. They knew and understood this game.

"I'm not a hypocrite…" Foreman growled.

"No?" Del arched her brow. "You're right." She said after feigning deliberation for a moment. "You're worse." Before the former duckling could say anything she walked up and smacked House's cane down on the small desk in front of him. "Let's see – you constantly act like House is something you don't want to be – you don't like how he acts, what he does. Though you know what… In reality, you're worse." She paused holding Foreman's gaze. "You really don't care about the patients, about your colleagues – you care about one thing and one thing only – you care about you. And that's not something you learned from House."

"And House only cares about House…" Foreman shot back.

All at once three voices filled the air, defending the absent diagnostician.

"That's crap…" Cameron snarled.

"You're out of line…" Cuddy glared at the man in question.

"Greg cares too much…" Stacy said out loud while focusing one of her death glares on Foreman.

Del smiled slightly, before her face became angry again. "Let's just make it clear that you three – while not the worst offender here, are way more in the red than he is." Both Cameron and Cuddy seemed to take a moment to digest that and then nodded slowly. Stacy only sighed and shrugged – it wasn't as though any of her crimes were new to her. "Alright then, so these three disagree with you."

"Of course, they would…" Foreman rolled his eyes. "But Cuddy hired me to ride herd on House."

"We'll get to her crimes in a few minutes – right now we're talking about you." Del snarked.

"He does care…" Chase said softly. "Otherwise he wouldn't have made Cameron get tested…"

"Hmmm… Marsupial boy has a point." Del smirked – coming up with her own twist on House's nicknames for the blonde.

"Greg is an ass to keep people at a distance. It's part of how he maintains his impartiality – or hides it when he's not impartial." Stacy said simply. "There is a certain amount of idiocy that he always has – he's annoying, infuriating and inappropriate, but the extremes – they're to keep himself and others … safe."

"Glad to see some of our discussions sank in…" Del looked around the room and took in the slowly bobbing heads. "Looks like most of the tribe agree with Stacy, Foreman – and since she seems to have taken on the head of household role – which is strangely appropriate here – it looks like you've been voted off the island. Alright, next batter up…"

"I hate sports metaphors…" Cameron mumbled.

"And you just volunteered yourself…" Del walked over to the younger woman and drew her up. "So pick a symptom and tell us who it is… And no picking your own."

Cameron looked at the list and frowned. "Uhm… Double-crossing, treacherous and smarmy are all Chase." She didn't look at him as she pulled away and settled back down into her chair.

"Jealousy works too…" Del said with a smile as she crossed off Foreman's 'symptom' and the three Cameron had just listed. "But it works for other people too – so that's three points for Cameron." She moved to write Cameron beside 'bitch' and marked off three points for her.

Chase was glaring at Cameron, so he practically jumped out of his desk when the cane came down on it hard. "This is all about you, now, vanity boy… Might want to pay attention."

"Yes, I know – I betrayed him to Vogler to keep my job." Chase snapped as he glared at the woman standing in front of him.

"This had the side effect of House either having to fire Foreman or Cameron." Del tapped her lip. "She did the self sacrificing thing and resigned." Her gaze fell on Cameron. "And you sleep with him now." She shook her head incredulously. "If it had been me, the minute Vogler was out the door, you would have been too – but House let you stay. Seems pretty nice to me. Then let's see how you repaid him."

"I didn't say anything to Tritter…" Chase defended and glared at her.

"Didn't say that you did…" Del shrugged. "But he couldn't really trust you any longer could he? Then you proved how much of an ass you really are…" Her gaze moved to Cameron, then back to him.

"That's got nothing to do with House." It seemed that Del had Chase on the run and much like the vicious bitch she actually was.

"Doesn't it… See I think it does – I think it's got a hell of a lot to do with why you did what you did. She was his." She perched on top of the desk and looked down at him. "It's fun to get one up on House isn't it? You're not capable of it any other way – you get lucky occasionally – but lets face it, Cameron is a much better diagnostician than you are. So you got one up on House by sleeping with the girl that he really liked, but because of House being House that he wouldn't let closer than arms length."

"It's not like that…" Chase barked at her, standing up, so he could glare directly into her eyes.

Del didn't flinch, didn't move. Not until Chase sat back down and dropped his gaze, unable to face the truth that resided in Del's eyes. "Then the two of you proceeded to screw around all over the hospital." She looked at Cameron disapprovingly. "Until, what you knew would happen eventually, happened and he caught you at it. Or more precisely, he got tired of you two thinking you were pulling something over on him and he let you know he knew."

There was silence in the room again, the sounds of their breathing echoing off the walls.

"The fictional staff of Seattle Grace almost seems more mature…" Cuddy murmured under her breath.

"Agreed…" Del said as she strode to the board, marked Cuddy down beside Cameron and awarded her one point. "So everyone thought House was being an ass – firing Chase for no good reason, or because he had a bee in his bonnet over Foreman leaving. Maybe he just fired you because he was tired of putting up with your shit." She paused. "Or maybe he did it for your own good – because you had learned everything you could." She shook her head. "Because he knows you're like him – you like comfort – with everything that had happened you should have quit long before that – you'd been there the longest, Chase."

Stacy snorted. "Welcome to the club, Wombat – pushed away for your own good."

"Of course, Chase's firing happened because Wilson stuck his nose in – you'd think he'd learn by now on the dangers of doing that." Del smirked. "Yours was because Marky Mark…"

"Don't call him that…" Stacy growled.

"Continuing… Because Marky Mark proved to House that he'd do anything for you. That he'd change for you, willingly - when Greg couldn't do that for you." Del said deliberately.

"So what you're getting at is that House is a misunderstood saint of a man." The sarcasm dripped from Foreman's words.

"Not hardly… He's an ass." Del shrugged. "He's just an ass with a deeper crack than you'd expect."

"That's disgusting…" Cuddy shook her head at Del, unable to stop herself from laughing.


	6. Differential Diagnosis Part Two

Disclaimer: Don't own it. Never will. Just playing. Don't sue.

AN: Looks like it'll be three parts. Wilson will likely need all of the next one. Now - I'm hoping I won't alienate my readers - but the characters (spurred on by a song) told me last night how this was going to shake down. I didn't know until Stacy ref'd a game of rock/paper/scissors between Cuddy and Cameron (in my head) and Cuddy won that it was going to be House/Cuddy. It'll still have House/Cameron moments I suspect - though it will be mostly angsty for Cameron. I guess that means Del and Cameron get to be heart broken together.

* * *

It was hard to believe how her laugh brought a smile to the psychologist's face. "And you've been around House too long if you think my potty humor is funny." Del winked at the other woman. The only problem was – the smile on Lisa Cuddy's face didn't make Del want to burst her bubble so she turned to Cameron again. "Did I say you were done? Sorry – but no…"

Cameron winced but drew herself up. "You know for everything that you can bring up that I did to House, I can probably come up with two things that he's done to me."

Stacy chuckled. "But that's not the point… I could say the same thing in spades – but then she'll flip around and tell us two wrongs don't make a right, and that we're the ones who are supposed to be nice. He's the ass."

"Well at least I have confirmation that you were in fact listening to me." Del smirked. "But you're still missing the point – you pride yourselves on being nice, following the social mores, and so on… That's why I rag on you when you don't."

"So you wouldn't do this with House…" Wilson had never lost the incredulous look from his face.

"Nope wouldn't waste my time or breath – you people on the other hand supposedly care – therefore I'll take a shot and see if I can get through to you." Del looked up at him impassively, rolling her eyes as Wilson shook his head and looked away in frustration. "So let's get to it shall we." She looked down at Cameron. "You're the first of our real perpetrators – though not the worst by far."

"Fickle, disloyal and faithless." Cameron swallowed and looked down, "I proved him right didn't I?"

"You see, she has potential – that's why House likes her." Del smiled and nodded. "Go ahead and explain to the class – you only get points for full disclosure."

"When he could walk without the cane, House asked me out for drinks." She picked at the surface of the desk.

"And you didn't say yes?" Chase asked suspiciously – as though even he couldn't quite believe what he was hearing.

"No – I didn't say yes. I don't know why not – I came up with excuses." Cameron sighed. "House said on our first date, that I only wanted him because he was damaged. That he wasn't good looking or nice – so that meant the only reason I would be with him was because he was something I needed. That I wanted to fix him because he was damaged."

Both Cuddy and Stacy looked as though they wanted to say something then fell silent and shook their heads slowly. Stacy knew better than to step into this one and Lisa just didn't know what to say.

"Worse – you started noticing as soon as he started to limp again. You were one of the first ones to." Del said softly as she moved to the black board and added ten points for Cameron.

Cameron nodded, somehow expecting they were done so her head came up when Del continued.

"Now we're going to get to the other bad thing you did – other than short changing yourself by screwing around with Chase."

"HEY…" Chase growled at the other woman.

"Oh get over yourself, Chase." Del pulled out one of the desks from the front row and perched on the top of it. "Even you know it's not going anywhere – I mean you sat there and watched her come up with ways to explain why she told that filming crew she loved House." She snorted in amusement as Cameron blushed and ducked her head.

"I've just gotten used to it…" Chase shrugged as he looked away uncomfortably.

"I should be charging you people for this…" Del commented to herself. "I was wrong – you're both short changing yourselves. I don't like you, Chase." She said honestly. "But even you deserve someone who looks at you and doesn't want anyone else. You've as much as admitted that's never going to be Alison."

"She'll get over House…" Chase argued, unwilling to let it go.

"But that doesn't mean she's going to love you man…" Foreman said with a shake of his head. "Cuddy would have a better chance if she went that way."

For a minute, the woman in question looked as though she was going to yell at him for his comment, then only sighed and leaned back in her seat to sip at the now cold coffee that Stacy had brought her.

"I want you, I need you – but there ain't no way I'm ever going to love you. Now don't be sad, 'cause two out of three ain't bad." Del sung as she bounced up from her perch and made her way to the blackboard to add another name to the scoreboard. "Foreman, two points for having the guts to say what we were all thinking. Of course if it went down that way, she'd get the smack down because if she were to go that way Cuddy's fun bags are all mine… I called dibs long ago." She shook her finger at Cameron warningly – which made the younger woman laugh in spite of her discomfort.

Stacy groaned and let her head hit the front of her desk. "Remind me why I came here for this?"

"Because you still care…" Lisa said slowly, enunciating each word carefully.

"So what else did I do?" Cameron was honestly curious. Del had more insight than she'd actually expected.

A little surprised at the question, Del looked at the other woman for a moment before she actually answered. "You left him… Actually you're a serial leaver… I know you did it for all the right reasons. Self sacrifice first off but he came after you."

Stacy looked over at the girl – given her age, she had a hard time thinking of her as anything but a girl. "He came after you?" She looked at Lisa. "I had to come back then he decided he still wanted me – but he went after her?"

"I know, I don't get it either." Lisa shrugged and took another sip of her coffee. "You should have gotten us iced mochachinos."

Cameron was blushing. "I did make him take me out on a date…" She said almost in her own defense but the other two women only shook their heads.

"It falls in with the leaving – but when he faked cancer – instead of being the disgustingly caring, concerned woman he expected you to be given you'd found out." Del started only to be cut off.

"I was faking him out…" Cameron defended herself. "And even then I couldn't help saying something caring… Hardass to human in thirty seconds."

Del walked up to the board. "Minus three for not getting it." She adjusted the total then faced the woman again. "It doesn't matter if it only lasted for a few seconds, a minute or a month. The fact is he knew your history – and for a moment you pulled the rug out from under his feet. He didn't matter as much as your husband had." She paused.

"I'm not dead yet…" Cameron said softly, remembering what he'd said and the look he'd given her.

"House doesn't like being left behind …" Del said with a pointed look at Stacy.

"Yes, I know. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa." Stacy groused back at her sister.

"It's part of why he pushes…" Wilson decided to speak up once more. "It's why he's constantly trying to find the boundaries in a relationship. Trying to find out how much you'll take before you ditch him – it gives him control over it."

"Valid point – but one we're all aware of." Del said dismissively, refusing to give Wilson even one point. Her attention turned once more to Cameron and she continued on. "Then you left the last time and as much as told him to not bother coming after you. You told him in not so many words that you thought that you didn't matter to him – the one duckling he didn't want to loose."

"Shit…" Cameron muttered under her breath.

"I'll second that…" Lisa agreed. Her reasoning was different though – she knew if Del was done with Cameron, then she or Wilson was the next one on the block and she was betting it was going to be her.

Del marked off Cameron's 'symptoms' then turned. "I already gave away Cuddy's symptom… Anyone want to wade in and help me out?"

"I think inconsistent sums it up pretty well…" Cameron chimed in after a minute of silence. "Before the ketamine treatment, she was pretty much a push over – she let him get away with murder practically. Don't get me wrong, Dr. Cuddy – you're an amazing administrator and normally you handle House better than anyone else. You believe in him. In his process – no matter how crazy his idea is – you might think he's insane, but you can go there. I may be his cheerleader, but you're his …" She struggled as she looked for a sport metaphor that would work then sighed. "I really hate sports metaphors." She grumbled as she gave up. "You're like his wingman – you back him up and you take down the bogies to give him a clear shot when he needs it. Otherwise you stay the hell out of his way when he's on his game. Unless of course it's to challenge him - which only makes him try harder to prove you wrong and you know that's what you're doing."

"Someone's been watching too much Top Gun…" Chase teased.

Cameron rolled her eyes and continued to focus on the Dean of Medicine as she spoke, "Then while he was well on the ketamine treatment, you listened to Wilson. You know I'll give him props for sticking with House as a friend..."

"I won't…" Del interjected.

"But you knew better… Something inside of you knew House was right. So you did the treatment and instead of doing what was right and telling him – you listened to Wilson." Cameron looked at Cuddy like she couldn't fathom why the Dean would have done that.

"It's not a crime to listen to me, you know. House might think it is…" Wilson's annoyance was showing in his voice.

"It should be…" Del smirked up at the other man.

"You know the way you act; you would think you were one of my ex-wives." Wilson shot back.

"You'd think that wouldn't you…I mean it would totally explain why I'm gay, right?" Del answered him then turned on Cuddy. "She's right again which means Cameron gets more points." She went to the black board and added another ten points to her total. "Wow, keener – I can see why you were teacher's pet." She moved to stand in front of Cuddy and crossed her arms over her chest watching as the other woman wilted a little more with guilt. "The worst part about it was the timing – when House needed to know nothing would change, you got tough on him. You didn't trust him the way you did when he was hooked on Vicodin – you essentially proved to him that he needed to be crippled to be able to function the way he was used to. For you to treat him the way you always did. He came to you, looking for that – and you didn't give it to him. He got better and you turned into a bitch." She paused to catch her breath. "And to top it all off, you caved again when his leg started to hurt. You did it out of guilt, I know – but your timing really sucks."

"Okay, I get it…" Cuddy didn't look up. "Can we please move onto Wilson?"

Del wanted to reach out, stroke the other woman's hair and tell her it would be alright, but it wasn't that easy. "There's the entire Foreman thing and the thong thing – but we'll just leave that for the moment."

"Special treatment?" Stacy smirked.

"What do you expect – I'm still trying to get into her pants." Del answered with a juvenile grin – one that turned into an honest smile when Cuddy gave a wan laugh looking up at her and shaking her head.


	7. Differential Diagnosis Part Three

Disclaimer: Don't own it. Never did. Never will. Don't sue.

AN: Okay, I got a review that I find quite interesting. That the only person House cares about is Wilson, and going any other way wouldn't be 'canon'. Well hate to say, as a fan author - I can't write canon. The only thing that is absolutely in canon is what the TV show puts out as cold, hard facts. Everything else is interpretation by fans and most of the time - the show (any show) leaves a lot open to interpretation. That way it appeals to more people. Those who like Cameron with House can have their happy happy joy joy (at least up until DS rained on that parade), those who like Cuddy with House can have their happy happy joy joy - and yes, even those who like Wilson with House can have their happy happy joy joy.

I don't see it - not that I'm against boys with boys - one of my secondary pairings was Wesley with Angel - now that was hot - I just don't see Wilson or House as possibly gay. Wesley and Angel - well duh. But that's not to say that those who do see Wilson and House in that light are any more right or wrong than those who go in other directions. Again it's all about interpretation.

What I do find interesting - is I said up front that I REALLY don't like Wilson. So why would it be any shock that I wouldn't choose to take this in a Wilson/House direction? I got this review after the first chapter where the characters informed me which direction they would be going - which is what everyone calls Huddy around here (you'll have to excuse me - I'm old school - I use the old slash format rather than the Brangelina code). Sound psycho? Yep, it does - but that's just how the creativity works in my head - the story just flows - the characters go in the direction they like and I just transcribe the events. Anyway, Cuddy/House fans I hope you will enjoy. Wilson fans - I tried to be fair to him and not just let my rabid dislike of him go out of control... I gave him the benefit of the doubt and nodded at their best friend forever status.

Also excuse the fact that this took a lot longer to write - as I said controlling my rabid dislike and also - this was a longer chapter than most. With that said - enjoy.

* * *

She moved back to the black board, picking up the eraser and erasing the symptoms that they'd already attributed to others in the room.

Sanctimonious

Manipulative

Jealousy

"Three to go and only one person left." Del smiled somewhat malevolently as she focused on Wilson. "And this one is all mine…"

"You think I'm jealous of House…" Wilson scoffed.

"Yep…" Del picked up the small remnants of chalk from the edge of the board, palming them until she had a fairly large handful.

"You're deranged… I'm House's only friend for a reason." Wilson shook his head.

"Yep, you are – never denied that. He likes you too… A lot. I mean he's not going to marry you or anything, especially with your track record, but I will not deny that he honestly likes you." Del moved back to her perch and deposited the chalk in her pocket. "But just because he likes you doesn't discount any of that." She pointed back to the black board.

"Alright – you want to play your little game – go ahead." Wilson leaned back in his chair. "Tell me how I've screwed up House's life."

"Ah the sympathy ploy… How could he possibly have anything to do with how screwed House's life is? After all everyone knows House is responsible for Wilson's divorces. It's all House's fault." She jumped up and moved to where Amber sat. "He's good. See, everyone knows what a nice guy Wilson is…" She paused. "But he's not as nice as he makes himself out to be. That's part of the reason why he's friends with House. He's not just a masochist."

"Wilson is nice… I mean, he gets things wrong about House – but he's nice." Cameron interjected.

"Is he… Is he really really nice? Because I don't even think he's as nice as you are Cameron, and you're not really really nice either." Del said. "One of the things Wilson gets out of his relationship with House is contrast." The look on everyone's face was quizzical. "God people…"

"No…" Amber spoke up, cocking her head as she looked at Wilson. "I think I get it."

"Really…" Del looked from Wilson to Amber. "Well then Cutthroat Bitch – do enlighten us…"

"Amber…" Wilson started, but she shook her head cutting him off.

"No, it's alright – it doesn't bother me." She looked at Del. "He doesn't appear to be a jerk, because he associates with a bigger jerk than he is. Not that he's a jerk to me."

"Give it time." Del chuckled and moved to the board – awarding Amber thirty points. "If I had a fellowship to give, you'd be on my shortlist… A compliment from a Vicious Bitch to a Cutthroat one." She focused on Wilson again. "No one in their right mind should consider you a nice guy… You've been married and divorced three times, you …" She moved and covered Cuddy's ears with her hands. "You slept with one of your dying patients and that's just scratching the surface."

"I know you said something that I didn't need to hear, Del." Lisa turned and glared at Wilson suspiciously as Del released her.

"Be good, don't ask – you really don't want to know." Del squeezed Lisa's shoulder reassuringly.

"I'll ask House… He'll share. It's not about him – I may have to give him a month off of clinic – but he'll rat Wilson out." Lisa settled back; though there was an aura of don't mess with me around her now.

"Ooh… She might be onto something there." Del mock winced. "So, where were we? Right, Wilson and why he isn't Saint Jimmy for putting up with House. Okay, let's see – the contrast thing. There's a saying in the FBI – I'd rather deal with an honest crook, then a crooked cop. It applies here." She paused and fished in her pocket for a small piece of chalk. "House is the honest crook – he doesn't hide it when he's up to no good – oh, he'll try to keep you out of his business so you can't stop him, but you know he's up to something. If he's going to screw with your head, he screws with your head – he doesn't try to hide it under a layer of doing something for your own good. With House, you know exactly what he's doing – he's messing with you some how. You may not like it, but it is what it is."

"That makes James the crooked cop…" Lisa looked up at him and frowned again.

"Yep…" Del twisted the piece of chalk in her finger tips, then seeing that Wilson looked as though he'd written off their conversation, she flung it as hard as she could in his direction but making certain it wouldn't hit him. It left her grinning as the tiny piece of chalk exploded against the back wall in puff of dust that showered over the offending male and made a sharp crack like a gun shot.

"HEY…" Wilson bolted out of his seat.

"You weren't paying attention…" Del smirked. "World's fastest way of getting someone's attention. One of my profs used to do it…" She reached into her pocket and pulled out the handful of fragments, letting them rattle in her palm. "I'd suggest listening. Everyone else did."

"Wilson…" Cuddy turned and looked at him. "Stay."

With a slight huff of disappointment, the oncologist settled back in his seat. "Fine, I'm staying."

"Cool…" Del grinned though she set her ammunition within easy reach. "So who knows the definition of insanity?"

"Repeating the same action and expecting a different result." Thirteen ventured.

"Exactly… House hasn't changed appreciably in all the years you've been his friend, why in the hell do you expect him to change now. He changes some small aspects – but in actuality – House is House." Del moved to the blackboard, pulling out the chalk she was using to write and adding Thirteen to the board and giving her ten points.

"Vindaloo curry…" Stacy said with a slight smile that turned melancholy. "Like she said, he sent me back to Mark because he couldn't change for me."

"I don't actually think that's why he did it…" Wilson put his view point. "It's a romanticized view of why he did it."

"It doesn't matter, Wilson – if he gave her up because he couldn't change or if it was because he has to be miserable. He would have found a way to be miserable if she was there or not. He still put her, and her happiness ahead of his own. He didn't drag her into his misery." Del looked at her sister sympathetically – hopefully at the very least – this would give her sister some closure. Pulling her attention back to Wilson she forged onward. "You play mind games with House – but you cloak it under the disguise of trying to help him. You know what you're doing won't work, you've done some variation on it and probably the exact same thing practically hundreds of times but you still do it. Then you get other people, one of whom at least seems to forget that she knows House just as well as you do…" She looked pointedly at Cuddy. "…to do your bidding too. That's what really makes you an ass. Do what you want, screw around with your relationship with House. He probably respects you for it and expects it – your relationship with him is resilient enough to take it but don't screw around with other people's relationships with him by convincing them that doing things your way is going to help House."

"He didn't hold it against her." Wilson said with a slightly guilty tone to his voice.

"But did you know for certain that he wouldn't get pissed with her and refuse to speak to her again." She paused. "You do realize that it was your little speech about change and that he should tell Foreman how he felt, that convinced his little rat maze of a brain to fire Chase right?"

"What?" The three former ducklings asked in unison.

"He's contradictory – and Wilson knows it. It's happened before – if you really thought about it, and knew what Wilson had talked to House about, you probably could make a list and figure out exactly what events have been Wilson motivated." Del sighed and looked heavenward for strength. "See this is what either makes him a really bad friend – who doesn't know after god knows how many years what is going to happen when he pushes, or it makes him an ass that knows, but just doesn't care – which makes him a really bad friend too."

"House doesn't care…" Wilson started.

Now it was Stacy and Foreman who spoke up. "Because he's an ass…" They looked at each other, a little weirded out by the strange combination, but shrugged and turned their attention back to Del.

"Ah, I love them – House has them so well trained. What happened to you?" Del grinned and moved to add points to Foreman's total and actually gave Stacy her own heading and some points. "See again with the contrast – House doesn't care, but you're supposed to be the nice guy. The nice guy who flies being a manipulative ass under the guise of trying to help." She feigned looking introspective for a moment. "Huh… Kinda interesting isn't it? I didn't think nice guys did that kind of thing. Not to mention you sold him out to Tritter… Chase didn't even do that and he's smarmy."

"I regretted it later…" Wilson defended.

"You shouldn't have done it to begin with…" Del snarked. "He's not an addict – at least in the classical sense. It doesn't matter if he had more pills than he should have in his place. You know damned well that forging prescriptions has more to do with his pushing on you than anything else. Not to mention, he's right – you do get into moods where you figure you know better than him what's good for him."

"And he does…" The anger was evident in Wilson's voice. "You aren't here to pick up the pieces. I am."

"I didn't say that he did. I care, Cameron cares, Cuddy cares, Stacy cares – the rival boy ducks, the new ducklings and your honey the cutthroat bitch don't really, but they're human so they'd probably step in – but the difference is for the most part we all have boundaries. We don't automatically assume that we could run his life better than he does. So he's making a muck of it – it's his life, his mistakes – the most anyone can be is clean up crew – which is what you are when you pick up the pieces, but somewhere along the way you got confused in that being caring clean up crew for House's messes meant you actually have some sort of entitlement to try to run things. You don't. You don't get a veto on what he does. No one does. Even if you were his wife – it's still his life."

"So we're just supposed to clean up when he screws up." Wilson was frustrated with that.

"Yes," Cuddy sighed and looked at Wilson. "We aren't going to stop him. I just expect you to tell me what the hell is going on – stopping it is like trying to stop a runaway train – nice that you try, but I'm not holding my breath, James."

"So we just give up." Wilson looked at the hospital administrator in pure frustration.

"I didn't say that…" Lisa said with an equally frustrated sigh. "We have to accept that unless House chooses to, we can't change him. We're the definition of insanity, James. We keep doing the same things and expecting House to act differently than he does now."

Del smiled slightly at least she was making progress in some quarters. She focused her next question on Cuddy. "After the ketamine was he on the vicodin?"

"We had him go through the detox while he was out…" Cuddy supplied.

"Right, but did he jones for it? It shouldn't have mattered, even if he was detoxed – if he was addicted to vicodin – leg pain or not, he should have continued his drug seeking behavior shouldn't he? He should have wanted the euphoria – the mind altering affects."

"Yes." Cameron said definitively.

"And he should have needed treatment for the eight weeks he was in physio right – I mean drug treatment after the detox." Del knew the answers; she was just pushing buttons to make them think. "Did he have it? Or was he still on the vicodin."

"He was clean." Cuddy interjected.

"He was clean and no, he didn't have treatment, but House has a lot of willpower and he's stubborn – plus he was high on having his leg back." Wilson rationalized. "It wasn't long before he was back at work when the pain in his leg came back…"

"And that doesn't clue you in? Eight weeks of pain free use of his leg, and he's back at work for a week and suddenly the pain starts coming back? So far you haven't said anything that changes my mind that it could be psychosomatic." Del responded.

"It depends on what Wilson's trying to prove at any particular moment." Cuddy said with just a slight tinge of ire in her voice. "If he wants to prove House is an unsympathetic character with a god complex – then he's absolutely certain that House just needs the pills for real pain and we've got a limited amount of time while he's healthy enough to force House to make that change. If he wants him to be a slightly sympathetic character, at least as sympathetic as House gets, then he's convinced House is medicating his emotional pain with the meds."

Del couldn't help but smirk at the dirty look he shot her. "You know I could bring up how he reacted when he found out I was dating Amber." Wilson groused.

"And at the time, I stood up for you to him." Lisa smirked. "Well after that I did House's evil bidding – but you knew I was doing House's evil bidding – he didn't know I was doing yours with the entire not doing the treatment thing."

"Besides, House is supposed to manipulate people into doing his evil bidding…" Amber looked unconcerned as she pointed this out. "Most of the people in this room are either minions, former minions and in some cases minions who don't even realize they're actually minions."

"I like her." Stacy said with a chuckle. "I think she's too good for Wilson."

"You would, House has theorized that she's the female version of him." Wilson pointed out.

"Huh… Chicken vindaloo compared to his beef." Stacy grinned.

"Oh god, it's genetic." Lisa glared at her friend. "For years I was convinced Del was adopted and you getting along with House was some sort of crazy fluke but I was horribly wrong. And that was just…" Stacy started laughing at the look of disgust on Lisa's face.

"Priceless…" Del walked over and kissed the top of her sister's head. "I no longer disown you – though it would have been more House-like if you went for the fish."

"I'm a lawyer, sweetie – but that's lower than I'm prepared to go. Besides I was the one who disowned you…" Stacy shook her head at her sister. "And Ms. Prissy pants here…"

"That's party pants to you…" Cuddy shot back.

"Is only jealous because I came up with it and she didn't." Stacy finished, sticking her tongue out at Lisa for good measure.

"Now you're just feeding into fantasies of mine and House's that I'd successfully repressed." Del waggled her brows. "Don't stick it out unless you're prepared to use it … on her."

"Maybe we should get back on topic." Wilson suggested, looking decidedly embarrassed for them.

"You know it's bad when Wilson wants to be picked apart." Del paused. "No, wait – that's a normal state of affairs isn't it?" She shrugged and moved back to her perch. "Alright, we've covered manipulative… Have we covered sanctimonious in there too?"

"I'm big enough to admit that I can see where you came up with sanctimonious in all of that." Wilson said lifting his hands. "I'm wondering where you're getting jealousy from though. I'm jealous of House?"

"Not consciously maybe…" Del said. "Alright, I'll play Wilson – maybe because you're actually curious you might learn something here." She paused and took a breath, composing her thoughts. "On the surface, you're right – there's not a whole lot to be jealous of with House. He isn't capable of forming lasting meaningful relationships, but then again – neither are you. The difference is when House pushes someone away they maintain a sort of affection for him – which means there's something still there, an attachment – they still care. Case and point…" She pointed to Stacy and then to Cameron. "With you, their attachment is only to your pocket book."

"I've broken that pattern…" Wilson contended.

"So you say… And maybe you're right." Del smirked at Amber, "But wait, there's more… You're a good oncologist, probably one of the best – but you've never gone beyond that have you. Because oncology and cancer does it for you… Your big gift is to be able to tell someone they're dying and have them thank you. So much so that House actually pays you for it."

"It doesn't happen that often…" Wilson defended.

"Maybe not, but the fact that it's even happened once – it's a creepy gift. Maybe a good gift, but creepy." Del said with a slight shudder. "House's gift is a little more special isn't it – it comes back to that entire leaps of logic thing he does. It makes everyone, including you want to protect him because he's just that special. He saves people. You facilitate a treatment – or several treatments that either stops the cancer or not – cancer doesn't really leave you much room for strutting your stuff. You're never going to be the hero. Cuddy probably wouldn't perjure herself for you. As much as you get contrast from House, you also live in his shadow."

"And I'm okay with that…" Wilson's eyes narrowed.

Del nodded. "Maybe you are – but you've got this habit of doing things that almost seem like you're trying to screw with House – and not the normal mind games, that are to be expected – almost lashing out at him, at what he does…"

"Convincing Cuddy to not tell him about the treatment working?" Wilson posed.

"Selling him out to Tritter…" Del added. "It's a theory – but I don't think you're actually insane… So there's got to be a reason why you try these things when you're smart enough to know it's not going to work and it could actually really mess him up." She paused and shrugged. "I don't know everything, I only know what you people have told me in an interview that took a couple of hours of your life – only you know if there are other things that fall into the pattern."

"I'll think about it…" Wilson said looking down at his shoes, a range of emotions crossing his face, obviously introspective then he looked up at Del. "For the record though – I still don't think it's psychosomatic."

"Fine then…" Del smirked. "You can play devil's advocate…" She looked at everyone. "So who's in for fixing House's leg, by hook or by crook."

It only took a moment before the first hands came up. Stacy, Cuddy and Cameron typically were first, followed by the new ducklings (and Amber) and the remaining old ducklings. Finally with a shake of his head, Wilson's hand came up. "So you know he's not going to like this if he finds out…"

"Yep, he'll shove this cane…" She held it up threateningly. "In my ass and break it off. Still it's worth the risk." She focused on Lisa. "You're going to be his doctor right?"

"You said you couldn't put him in the trial…" Cuddy's brow furrowed.

"He'll be in the trial… I just need one thing from you right now." Del said, her tone suddenly serious.

"Alright…" Cuddy said hesitantly.

"Hospital privileges here." Del said simply.

"You want a job?" It was obvious by her expression that Cuddy didn't know where this was going.

"Yep…" Del nodded. "I'll even make arrangements with the study that they loan me to you – you and they can work out the dirty details later – but I need to be here."

As Dean of Medicine, Cuddy was practically drooling – she was getting a top notch psychologist who would be invaluable in their psych ward. Though Del's reputation for dislike of treating actual patients was almost as well known as House's – still, Del was reasonable to bite the bullet and do it if she had to. "Will you do counseling hours?"

Del let her eyes cross. "Good god woman – you and your free clinics. Yes, I will see all the little ADHD brats and the manically depressed women who don't realize their husbands are cheating on them." She shook her head. "Do I have a job?"

"Yes, I'll make arrangements." Cuddy nodded knowing better than to look a gift horse in the mouth. "So what now?"

"Get out…" Del said nodding to the door, leaving Cuddy standing there speechless. "I mean it, get out – the rest of what we're discussing – you don't need to hear."


End file.
